For The Love Of Tut
From Your Ankhesenamen
I remember a love so grand, it's only comparable to the love of the One. Memories of a love so strong, time could not erase it. Amidst a time of great turbulence and change. A love between a man and a woman, so brief yet so full.
I speak of you, my second husband, my half brother and soul mate. Today people can't understand this union. Shall we tell them it had to do with our bloodline and deep feelings for one another, for it would be true.
Together you and I lived in royal bliss. There was never too much adoration, affection displayed, mutual respect shared. You were handsome, kind, softspoken and gentle: Maybe even a bit too gentle for a ruler? You could not bear any violence, let alone a raised voice. Perhaps we really didn't belong at that time, after all?
Remember how sweet were our fragrant baths and dining in the gardens; our long walks, tickling matches, massages, and private talks? Our serene candle-light temple meditations in incense-perfumed temples? Our great love for listening to music and dreaming? You even attempted your hand at jewelry designing, just for me. You were brilliant and selfless, even then.
Remember how I loved to cater to you, and even dressed you? We never could stop touching one another...we still can't avoid touching each other! Ohhh - such healing touches. Our energy was, and is, magnetic together. Divine heat!
Through us, in those days, there was such hope for a continued legacy began by our honorable father. So many plans and dreams. And all during such a confusing time. And we never wanted war. Can anyone now imagine what it was like to see an entire culture go from one belief system into another in such a short time? Not easy! From many gods to one god, then back to the many, then to the one! Not surprising to see that it all cracked.
With all due respect to sweet father, Amenhotep IV (Ankhenaten), perhaps he would have fared better had he allowed for all beliefs? It is ironic that today people say "Amen" at the end of their prayers, isn't it? Perhaps after all, and maybe in spite of it all, some of the legacy continues? Who else knows that "Amen" was ascribed to our ancestor and a part of our names ever since? (You live on and on in us.)
You do remember me, my love, in my many names - for in each life my name is changed over and over. As the gods changed, our names changed. You knew me first as Ankhesenpaaten, then Ankhesenaten to Ankhensenamen with you, dear one....and yet, you remember me from lifetimes before in the regal lineage. Lifetime after lifetime, this strange name-changing trend continues. No wonder I've been unable to decide what I should be called! But the essence never changes. We are still the Sirians. And you and I still recognize one another and share our love for each other.
But, as strong as our love was long ago and as much as we believed in the One - our children died. Their deaths were our greatest misery. Were we somehow cursed? How could our children not have survived? Was something wrong with us? I didn't know it then, but my grief was only just beginning.
Your princess, your queen, who would have done anything for you, including giving her life if it would have allowed you to live longer! And doomed we were. Before I knew it, you, too were gone - far too soon! Your death stunned me - killed a big part of me, that took until now for me to recover. And I was left all alone, the only heir to the throne. You, our father, mothers, children, sisters - all gone. All alone was I in an upset civilization, not knowing where to turn.
In desperation, I attemped to cling to the seat of power and carry our name onward, somehow, some way. I couldn't bear to have to marry that old man, though! He disgusted me. So, I begged for an outsider, a prince, to marry me. Suddenly, I vanished from the record books. It was as if we'd all disappeared.
Some say I died in grief. Some say I married again. Some say I was murdered. Some say I went into the desert when our father sent word that he was making a pilgrimage to a new land. I say - ask Ay. He knows what happened. He was behind it with poison - he and the priesthood killed our father and took over your throne. (But, our father was, in truth, ready to depart. People weren't really ready for what we were bringing to humanity.)
And I suppose true peace and freedom, at least for now, must rest within our own hearts, if not in the world itself. Our belief in the One still persists, and will forevermore. To this day, with my golden wings and I wear the Ankh. I cannot forget. We are all One. Still much of the world does not accept this. Yet, we go on and on.
Our love is eternal, our physical contact brief. And I wonder why. Why can we not be together physically for an entire, long lifetime? Is this a treasure waiting for us some day? Or do we each have something to accomplish on our own, with ourselves, different sides of the continent, the planet? Something that we can only do apart? I tell you, it is very painful to be away from you for one moment. I yearn for your touch. And yet, I know this life is short compared to the afterlife when we are always united. One day we will never have to part. We know this life is merely an illusion.
So, I will keep this rich love for you in my heart forever and bless each minute we can and do share. Until we are once again together, and for eternity, may the golden sun always light your path, offer you outstretched soothing hands to ease your way, and endless soft kisses on your honeyed lips, reminding you of the wonder that you are and the love that is for you, dear Tut.
Copyright 1998 E. Nora H. Amrani